And fire, water and air.
In August of 2023, I attended a training: Possibility Lab, Women of the Earth. It took place in Portugal. In this training I discovered the power of the feminine. I've updated what I understand by 'feminine'.
In this training I remembered the fire that is born from Love, Integrity, Dignity and Clarity in my heart. Together with 26 other women I set fire to the patriarchy within us.
First session. One line. Not on arrival. From the beginning.
Behind this line we all sit. In the patriarchy. Not by conscious choice. But because we believed there was no other choice.
“But I’m not perfect, I can’t ask for all that. I’m too radical with what I want, I’d better lower the bar. Am I doing it right? Do I need to feel something? Do I need to say something? These women are doing better than me, I need to do better. These trainers don’t know what they’re doing. It’s not possible to leave the patriarchy.
I’m going to cross the line, whatever it takes.
Look how well I’m doing.
No, wait, I’ll let other women go first, I need an example. I’m not going to risk it.
Hmmm. Ahhh. Nooo. Okay, I will. No, I won’t, what if they think I’m crazy?”
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
This is a zoom into the hell that was going on inside of me, from the skin inward, as I sat in the patriarchy in that training room. The most painful part was realizing that all these voices, self-punishment, doubts, competition, pressure, emotions, were not just happening there, in that room, but were normal for me, in my daily life. Surviving.
After a few minutes, some women begin to access their anger for the Love, Alivenness, Dignity, Integrity and time of their life they sacrificed for an idea they thought was the only option- Patriarchy.
Tears, chills, screams, speeches of dragons that have been sleeping deep inside each of us begin to awaken.
Beyond this line, the unknown. A new culture to be invented. Created by us, Women.
I stayed close to this line, the patriarchy, for 3 hours (+21 years of life) in this training session.
Sitting, standing, lying in the hell I described. In tears for the death of potential. In anger for the time and energy invested in death — of Gaia, of my sisters, of my brothers. In joy for the women who have crossed it and are in radiance and life on the other side. In fear of what is to come.
Sometimes Iput one foot over the line. I had one foot on the side of the Patriarchy and the other foot on the side of the Archiachy. I was divided.
I realized the pressure it created in me to cross that line, to get it over with, to fix myself, just after I am completely healed, I can leave Pathriachy, I can cross the line. I was waiting for permission from other women. Waiting to be free. I pushed myself to stop pushing myself. I would put my foot in the unknown and then take it off, several times. I was still in the patriarchy.
There were 3 other Women who hadn’t crossed the line yet. I was one of them. I didn’t know how to cross the line. I looked one of my sisters in the eye and said, “How, how do I cross this line, how do I get out of this pressure. I don’t know how to live without this pressure”.
She told me, being Love, “You haven’t felt angry enough about this. You haven’t gotten to the point of saying enough! Enough to torture me! Enough of looking for more! Enough manipulating me. Enough of playing this game.”
It took me 3 hours to find my step out of the patriarchy in this session.
My step was to remember of my fire. To let it burn within me. Feeling my sadnness, my fear, my joy and my anger and letting my dragon speak, I finally stepped out of Patrhirachy.
I stand up. I look into the eyes of my sisters who are cheering and shouting “GO!
My angry dragon roars.
“I stop pushing myself now and forever. I am out of this game. I stop using this anger on myself. I am using this energy to be on your team. To have fun. To be here. I am Gaia’s keeper and I am taking the lead in creating a regenerative culture held by Women. I am taking a stand to preparing young people to enter into Authentic Adulthood Initiations.”
I have decided to experience the planet Earth with all its natural beauty, amazing diversity of people, cultures, its vast oceans, caves, canyons, mountains. For the next year I’ll be nomadic in countries in Asia and Oceania (maybe the Americas). As of this writing, I am in Indonesia.
I am experimenting being a Cultural Researcher and starting to build a gameworld to prepare young people (beteween 16 and 24 years old) for initiation into adulthood. The name of this gameworld so far is ’18teen, what now? I’ll write about it soon.
Love and Rage, Gabriela Fagundes