What would it take for you to give yourself permission to flourish, to thrive, and to succeed?
What do you need to do to give yourself permission to take risks, to make mistakes, to mess up, and to go all in?
It took me to go crazy.
It took me to lean into my fear and move. Move before I understood. Move before I thought. Move in the direction my fear was pointing me.
I was afraid to scream, so I screamed. I was afraid to give that person that feedback, so I gave that person that feedback. I was afraid to go and sit down and share my fears with that person, so I went. I was afraid to interrupt the trainer to say something I felt was more valuable to the room, so I did. I had the impulse to stand on the chair and open my arms, so I did.
I was terrified. It was as if I was losing my ground. Like I was going to explode and die in the intensity of the feelings, the pain and the ecstasy.
This happened in a Possibility Lab with the New Zealand Village.
Labs are a perfect place to go. A place to take big risks. To make big messes. To move before you know what's coming out of your mouth, to laugh without censorship, to tell people things you've been holding back for months. To start from 0, to have your whole world pulled out from under you and fall apart.
Possibility Labs are extraordinary, archetypal, transformational spaces that happen all over the world where you have the space to try anything except hurting yourself, hurting someone else, or breaking the space.
Even though I had been to a number of labs before this one, I had not given myself permission to really go crazy until this last one.
Until this Village Lab, I was projecting into the Space School. I lived under the concrete construct of RIGHT and WRONG. I was trying to perform, to do the right thing, to please the teacher 'trainer', to be the best student, to feel a certain way, to speak a certain way, to fit into the group.
Even the fact that the room allowed anything, or that the trainer allowed me and even encouraged me to go crazy and do whatever I wanted, did not work. I became even more frozen.
It took me to find the thing in me that would authorize me to authorize myself.
It took me to take back my own arrogance to dream and create and declare. It took me to take back my wings that I gave up in school when I was 5 years old.
THE WINGS TO FLY
What had you given up?
What parts of you had died when you gave it up?
In this lab I had discovered that I had given up my wings.
My wings are my Authority to authorize myself for anything.
My wings are the permission for me to fly, to thrive, to succeed and to blossom.
Is the permission for you to be a Creator. Out of nothing.
With my wings I became a sorceress again.
I gave up my wings when I was 5 years old. At school. I wanted to create. I had an ocean of ideas that I woke up every day excited to surf. To bring to life. I had things to create when I was 5 years old that 'adults' put in the box of impossible. Be humble, this is too much, this is too big. Don't dream so big, because the fall is bigger when you fly too high.
When I was 5 years old, I was in kindergarten. One day the class went on a field trip to the center of the city where I grew up, Goiânia, in the center of Brazil.
It was the first time I visited the center of the city.
I was shocked by the dirt, the garbage on the ground, the loud noises, and the polluted air. I was outraged that it was possible for people to live in the streets and ask for food.
I felt very angry and sad when I saw this woman with a small child, walking on the street with striped, dirty and torn clothes and her body almost a skeleton, asking for food. And all the teacher could say to her was, 'Go to work, I won't give you anything, you're lazy.'
I still don't get it.
I did not understand how it was possible for me to have leftover food at school and at home, and even food that went into the garbage, and this young girl, who was about my age, had nothing to eat.
The day after that trip, I wanted to do something about it. I wanted to organize a festival to harvest food and I wanted to make another trip to the center of the city. I wanted to feed that woman and that child.
I knew that the teacher who went on the trip with me would not accept it. So I went to another teacher and I felt that she would support me.
I told her my idea.
She looked me in the eyes, with some tears in her face, and said:
"I'm touched that you care, but I can't support you with this. I have to keep up with the school schedule while we're here, and in my free time I take care of my two children. I cannot devote time to this. I'm sorry. You are just a child, you should not worry about this, let the adults think about such things.
My heart was broken at that point. Shattered into pieces.
I needed an adult to say YES to me.
I needed an adult who was willing to be stupid enough to feel and create with me.
I cut off my wings at that point and put them under the desk at that school. It has been there ever since.
I decided at that point to cut my connection to my wings. I gave up my creation, my arrogance to dare to do something stupid, something unreasonable.
During this process I grieved all the time that I had left my wings there. I brought them back.
I've been on a roller coaster since I brought back that part of me that I had given up. I'm taking bigger risks. Woowww
We come from the vast universe where anything is possible. When our being reaches the flash, we enter the limited world. For a few months we cannot even create what we want. We depend on the 'adults' around us to do everything for us, to feed us, to carry us, to clean us.
Yet, when we incarnate, we bring with us this connection to the impossible, to the infinite vast ocean of possibilities.
I had that connection when I was 5 years old.
After I brought back my wings, I started to feel my whole body shaking and trembling. I started sweating. It was like being on drugs. I saw very strong colors. I stood on the chair. I asked the two men in the holding space to stand up with me.
Open your wings. Come on, open your wings.
As I'm describing this experience, I'm reminded of the scene in Dead Poets Society.
What would make you walk on water? What are the miracles you’ve created in your Life?
The time is over when the miracles is with Jesus. You are a miracle. This Planet is a miracle.
BECOMING LOVE
At the Village Lab I took a bath in a golden tingling radiant energy of appreciation and archetypal love. I could not let it in. My heart was almost closed.
In the "almost" there was a gap. The gap was big enough that I could put my two hands and push all the way in.
The village kept appreciating me and sending love. I kept opening and opening. Someone asked me to stand in the middle of the circle.
I began to tremble.
I accepted the offer. I stood in the middle of the circle. People began to speak different kinds of words.
You are love.
You are love
You are love
The walls begin to close again.
I don't want to let myself in. I want to keep the conclusion that I'm a failure, that I'm not ok, that there are more things to fix, more to do. There is something wrong with me.
Letting it all in, all this gift my village was giving me, was close to Dye. It felt like dying. My heart hurt physically. My breath became shallow and it seemed as if I could not expand my lungs any further.
Letting in all this love meant that all these stories and voices of 'I'm a failure, I'm not worthy, I need to work harder, there's something wrong and missing in me' could no longer be used as excuses for my suffering, my misery.
If I let in all this love and appreciation, I could no longer stop myself from thriving, radiating and creating.
What if I'm killed again? What if people attack me? What if people try to steal from me? What if people stab me behind my back because they're jealous of what I bring? What if I'm too much? What if I burn and hurt people with all this intensity?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My hands go back to my heart.
I open the walls. I create space.
The walls almost squeeze my hands.
My gremlin fights and says with conviction:
"I will not let this happen. STOP IT, is enough, is too intense. These people are lying to you. They are not all of this. They are pretending and making it up to make you feel better.”
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
85% pure anger. Opening the rift again.
My hands are shaking. I go all the way with the wall.
I choose to open my heart. I choose to let it in.
I'M LOVE.
I am medicine.
I am High Level Fun and Joy of Life.
I remember that only you can authorize yourself to thrive.
The sharpness of my clarity cuts through the clutter and reaches the human heart.
I am a gateway to feminine wildness and fierce love.